It was hardly a surprise, Michael Jackson had been looking a little pale lately, but what a weird coincidence – Farah Fawcett and Jacko both died on same day – One fucked Majors, one fucked Minors!

Jackson Five Reunion Tour Tickets... Now 20% off!

Meanwhile every celebrity under the sun is pushing their way into the limelight to comment on Jacko’s death…
Manchester United boss Alex ferguson was heard to comment “well at least I’ll still be playing Giggs next month”.

Madonna apparently ‘can’t stop crying’, but then neither can the O2 ticket touts! Looks like my tickets are staying  in the drawer now next to my Woolworths gift vouchers.
Still, at the end of the day you can say what you like about Michael Jackson, but at least he drove past schools slowly.

I’m not normally one to criticise, but if you’re a pretty young girl, why the fuck have a tattoo right across the middle of your boat race? Luckily Kimberley wasn’t very pretty even before the artwork, but even more ridiculous than the actual idea, why would anyone sane trust a freak like Romanian Rouslan Toumaniantz to get the job done right? – He doesn’t even speak her language for fucks sake!

Starred for life

Surprise surprise, Kimberly got home to a bollocking off her Dad ….And no doubt her boyfriend refused her sex for a short time when he saw the result.
Kims excuse? No, not an acceptable reason like wanting to live on benefits for the rest of her life …Instead she claims she fell asleep in the tattooists chair after asking for just 3 stars. Bullshit!

Loser - Rouslan Toumaniantz, Social Worker.

Something a little more pleasant to look at, a temporary lipstick ‘tattoo’ pic emailed to me by a young lady going by the name of ‘Cumslut’.  What a nice girl.

A Winner - Take her home to meet Mum and Dad

For those of you old enough to have tugged the todger while she modelled knickers and bra’s for Playtex, here’s a quick thought…

Wouldn’t it be great if Ulrika Jonsson married Real Madrid midfielder Kaka?

John Leslie is Innocent (Josef Fritzel too)

And, talking about overpaid, lazy, arrogant, greasy cunts,

Here’s one to sing on the terraces of Old Trafford…

You put your transfer in, your transfer out, in out in out you fuck your club about,
You do the Cristiano and you change your mind, that’s what its all about!
Ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker – Ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker – Ohhh ronaldo is a wanker…
Knees bent, arms stretched DIVE DIVE DIVE!

Ron’s had a few tasty birds in the past, but now he’s shagging Paris Hilton – Ironic really, his career’s been hampered by video evidence of him going down easily, whereas hers…
To be honest though, nobody’s fooled. Seen pictured recently in a skin tight – nipple rubbing polo shirt, Soprano inducing nylon shorts, and a pink cap complete with matching  flower accessory… That’s evidence enough, but the icing on the cake – waxed legs.

Waxed legs for fucks sake! You don’t need to be Einstein.

Cristiano Ronaldo does not pack fudge (allegedly)

Well summer came and went last week. The temperature’s up and down like Jordans Knickers.
Still, down the South Coast there was the usual bevvy of bikini clad beauties on Bournemouth beach, each providing an absolute feast of top totty eye candy.

Lily Allen in a rare, 'tits NOT out' pose

Luckily though, there were those who, I assume due to the ‘downturn’, improvised and created their own swimwear…

Draw your own 'drawers' - the Recession Bikini

But, for the impoverished without even a packet of crayons to hide their modesty, the tan-line pants are always a hit with the guys… And should be positively encouraged.

A bald cunt (No, not Bruce Willis this time)

Finally, in the interests of looking incredibly sexy and attracting hordes of young ladies on the beach…

Gillette. The best a cunt can get