Find fuck buddies in your own town!…

Peter Harvey… A good old fashioned teacher who’s not afraid to throw his weight around!
Quoted as saying “Teaching is all about opening a child’s mind” nobody guessed he meant all over the classroom floor.

Meanwhile, recovering in hospital, pupil Jack Waterhouse (who’s alledgedly NOT a foul mouthed, smug little cunt) say’s he’s not going back to school because “His teacher does his head in”

Jack BEFORE the attack

Bubble Boob

Photographer Richard Heeks (36, so should know better) spent a month of his action packed life taking pictures of bubbles bursting in his back garden.

Burst your Bubble

Very facinating, but suck my dick has found out exactly how he stopped himself going absolutely nuts with boredom during his quest for the ultimate pop-shot .

Bubble Boob!

Rücksprung durch Technik

Wanna-be pop sensation, 16 year old German born, Kim Petras seems to have everything she needs, the looks, the voice, the backing of her parents…

Rücksprung durch Technik

Well, maybe not quite everything. ‘She’ is actually missing the dick she had removed last October to become the worlds youngest sex change freak.Growing up as Tim, his parents remarked ” we always saw Tim as a girl, but our life was surprisingly normal”
Yep it’s normal for a parent to arrange hormone therapy at for a 13 year old boy to prevent facial hair growth and his voice breaking. And giving your consent to a cock-chop-op at 16 to further your childs pop singing career is ’surprisingly normal’ too. Vorsprung durch Technik?

I tried a new social networking tool over the weekend. It’s known commonly as ‘going outdoors and fucking meeting people’.
The GF dragged me down London to the Take That circus concert thing at Wembley Stadium. 80,000 teenage girls, and a handfull of us beered up blokes.
Felt like a pork pie at a Jewish wedding, but with tits ‘n’ arse everywhere I coped.
Only when I got in and James Morrison came on stage did I realise the next ’support’ act was Lady GaGa. Lady fucking GaGa for christ sake! Now usually I’d fall in a barrel of tits and come out sucking my thumb…

Take Twat

When I was a kid the ‘two twat tango’ ( a lesbian act, apparently) was up there with the ‘five knuckle shuffle’ (wanking). Funny how the advertisers minds work!

Scanned Pussy

Why would anyone want to scan their pussy and email it to suck my dick?
It’s beyond me, but keep ‘em coming

Too much sexcercise makes your eyes red

Ever wish that for once you were the person looking through the camera lens?
Jesus, what’d you do first? Lick, rub, poke, kiss, stroke…???

It was hardly a surprise, Michael Jackson had been looking a little pale lately, but what a weird coincidence – Farah Fawcett and Jacko both died on same day – One fucked Majors, one fucked Minors!

Jackson Five Reunion Tour Tickets... Now 20% off!

Meanwhile every celebrity under the sun is pushing their way into the limelight to comment on Jacko’s death…
Manchester United boss Alex ferguson was heard to comment “well at least I’ll still be playing Giggs next month”.

Madonna apparently ‘can’t stop crying’, but then neither can the O2 ticket touts! Looks like my tickets are staying  in the drawer now next to my Woolworths gift vouchers.
Still, at the end of the day you can say what you like about Michael Jackson, but at least he drove past schools slowly.

I’m not normally one to criticise, but if you’re a pretty young girl, why the fuck have a tattoo right across the middle of your boat race? Luckily Kimberley wasn’t very pretty even before the artwork, but even more ridiculous than the actual idea, why would anyone sane trust a freak like Romanian Rouslan Toumaniantz to get the job done right? – He doesn’t even speak her language for fucks sake!

Starred for life

Surprise surprise, Kimberly got home to a bollocking off her Dad ….And no doubt her boyfriend refused her sex for a short time when he saw the result.
Kims excuse? No, not an acceptable reason like wanting to live on benefits for the rest of her life …Instead she claims she fell asleep in the tattooists chair after asking for just 3 stars. Bullshit!

Loser - Rouslan Toumaniantz, Social Worker.

Something a little more pleasant to look at, a temporary lipstick ‘tattoo’ pic emailed to me by a young lady going by the name of ‘Cumslut’.  What a nice girl.

A Winner - Take her home to meet Mum and Dad

For those of you old enough to have tugged the todger while she modelled knickers and bra’s for Playtex, here’s a quick thought…

Wouldn’t it be great if Ulrika Jonsson married Real Madrid midfielder Kaka?

John Leslie is Innocent (Josef Fritzel too)

And, talking about overpaid, lazy, arrogant, greasy cunts,

Here’s one to sing on the terraces of Old Trafford…

You put your transfer in, your transfer out, in out in out you fuck your club about,
You do the Cristiano and you change your mind, that’s what its all about!
Ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker – Ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker – Ohhh ronaldo is a wanker…
Knees bent, arms stretched DIVE DIVE DIVE!

Ron’s had a few tasty birds in the past, but now he’s shagging Paris Hilton – Ironic really, his career’s been hampered by video evidence of him going down easily, whereas hers…
To be honest though, nobody’s fooled. Seen pictured recently in a skin tight – nipple rubbing polo shirt, Soprano inducing nylon shorts, and a pink cap complete with matching  flower accessory… That’s evidence enough, but the icing on the cake – waxed legs.

Waxed legs for fucks sake! You don’t need to be Einstein.

Cristiano Ronaldo does not pack fudge (allegedly)

Well summer came and went last week. The temperature’s up and down like Jordans Knickers.
Still, down the South Coast there was the usual bevvy of bikini clad beauties on Bournemouth beach, each providing an absolute feast of top totty eye candy.

Lily Allen in a rare, 'tits NOT out' pose

Luckily though, there were those who, I assume due to the ‘downturn’, improvised and created their own swimwear…

Draw your own 'drawers' - the Recession Bikini

But, for the impoverished without even a packet of crayons to hide their modesty, the tan-line pants are always a hit with the guys… And should be positively encouraged.

A bald cunt (No, not Bruce Willis this time)

Finally, in the interests of looking incredibly sexy and attracting hordes of young ladies on the beach…

Gillette. The best a cunt can get

Pair of Cunts

What a pair of cunts. Firstly, ‘thanks’ to Chris Moyles. Two fucking weeks listening to that shite Scott Mills on Radio 1 every morning while Moyles jolly’s around the world holidaying on our BBC licence fee. Yes I know he pays the outdated TV tax too, but unlike us, he gets a £700,000 rebate every year. Fat Bastard.

DJ Moyles negotiates new contract with Radio 1 boss

Second, the twat on the reception of the Travelodge in North London who fucked up my booking, charged my Visa card twice, then stuck me in a mouldy shoe box sized cell for the night.
Just for the record, if you are so desperate as to stay the night there, he was the one with the face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle.

Travelodge - Crap

Michael Jackson got skin cancer, but he reckons he can beat it, just beat it! Talking of abused kids, Sainsbury’s are offering Innocent Kid’s juices. Jacko and Gary Glitter will be fighting for the last pack.

Sweet

Britney. Fuckable

Jackson. Fucked up.