I tried a new social networking tool over the weekend. It’s known commonly as ‘going outdoors and fucking meeting people’.
The GF dragged me down London to the Take That circus concert thing at Wembley Stadium. 80,000 teenage girls, and a handfull of us beered up blokes.
Felt like a pork pie at a Jewish wedding, but with tits ‘n’ arse everywhere I coped.
Only when I got in and James Morrison came on stage did I realise the next ’support’ act was Lady GaGa. Lady fucking GaGa for christ sake! Now usually I’d fall in a barrel of tits and come out sucking my thumb…

Take Twat

When I was a kid the ‘two twat tango’ ( a lesbian act, apparently) was up there with the ‘five knuckle shuffle’ (wanking). Funny how the advertisers minds work!

Scanned Pussy

Why would anyone want to scan their pussy and email it to suck my dick?
It’s beyond me, but keep ‘em coming

Too much sexcercise makes your eyes red

Ever wish that for once you were the person looking through the camera lens?
Jesus, what’d you do first? Lick, rub, poke, kiss, stroke…???

Well summer came and went last week. The temperature’s up and down like Jordans Knickers.
Still, down the South Coast there was the usual bevvy of bikini clad beauties on Bournemouth beach, each providing an absolute feast of top totty eye candy.

Lily Allen in a rare, 'tits NOT out' pose

Luckily though, there were those who, I assume due to the ‘downturn’, improvised and created their own swimwear…

Draw your own 'drawers' - the Recession Bikini

But, for the impoverished without even a packet of crayons to hide their modesty, the tan-line pants are always a hit with the guys… And should be positively encouraged.

A bald cunt (No, not Bruce Willis this time)

Finally, in the interests of looking incredibly sexy and attracting hordes of young ladies on the beach…

Gillette. The best a cunt can get

Pair of Cunts

What a pair of cunts. Firstly, ‘thanks’ to Chris Moyles. Two fucking weeks listening to that shite Scott Mills on Radio 1 every morning while Moyles jolly’s around the world holidaying on our BBC licence fee. Yes I know he pays the outdated TV tax too, but unlike us, he gets a £700,000 rebate every year. Fat Bastard.

DJ Moyles negotiates new contract with Radio 1 boss

Second, the twat on the reception of the Travelodge in North London who fucked up my booking, charged my Visa card twice, then stuck me in a mouldy shoe box sized cell for the night.
Just for the record, if you are so desperate as to stay the night there, he was the one with the face that looked like a dog licking piss off a nettle.

Travelodge - Crap

Michael Jackson got skin cancer, but he reckons he can beat it, just beat it! Talking of abused kids, Sainsbury’s are offering Innocent Kid’s juices. Jacko and Gary Glitter will be fighting for the last pack.

Sweet

Britney. Fuckable

Jackson. Fucked up.

British tax payers forking out their hard earned for MP’s to pay for their porn films, Tampax, plasma TV’s, horse manure, etc, etc, etc!!! Gordon Brown’s fucked. This country’s fucked.

STFU

I resisted for months, then in a moment of weakness, (six pints of Stella) I typed ‘Twitter’ into Firefox.
I chose a shit username – All the decent ones had gone – Jesus (“Hanging around, biting my nails”…), The Queen (“Just had a dolphin sandwich and now walking the corgi’s”) Adolf Hitler, etc…. I signed up, typed an obscene message, then promptly sobered up and forgot about it.
There, I admitted it. I’ll go to heaven now.

Twatter

It’s the worlds classiest toilet roll dispenser. Pull the tissue out of a cute arse. To dream up this crazy idea is pretty cool, but to actually put the thing into production to promote your product is just pure genious. I want one.

Surprise, it comes out white!

A 'hole' lot more.

Why the fuck would this silly tart let some ‘wanna be’ David Bailey with a digital camera in the bathroom while she loses her breakfast? And those fuckin’ shades…

Taking a Dump

13 Year old’s ingenuity…

Wow, modern technology! when I was a kid we’d sellotape a mirror to our shoe and… Never mind!

Thong - Sweaty Crack

Reckon the guy in the background with the magazine’s got this little perv sussed;)

Public Indecency

OK, we all go to rock festivals, I was at Glastonbury last year and got shit faced. It’s the done thing.
But to hoist up your skirt and pass out flashing your dirty knickers?

One day, someones Mother!

Passed out, flashing dirty knickers – Not the sort of thing you want your kids to find on the net.

Wrinkly Fun…

I find it quite refreshing to think that when I get to 70 there’s still the possibility of me getting my leg-over.

Extreme Milf - Sexy OAP

Sick as it may seem to some I personally think she’s got a lovely pair of baps:)